post pole class blues

i googled “how to create a safe exercise space women” and i expected a lot of other people to have blogs all about it, all about how they struggle to deal with people in their fitness classes or their friends talking exclusively about their body after class. i don’t wanna talk about that! it makes me feel sick!!! stop talking about how you need abs or a tight ass or real nice arms. i’m here for myself and for my health, not for some idea that i need to change my body in order to be happy.

i find myself sad and defeated after a class that i did really well in. i feel myself beating myself up when i go get a snack when i’m starved. i feel useless after i feel my muscles get sore and how much more work i still need to do to see any physical progress. i should be proud of myself!! i should be satisfied with my progress and motivated to move forward! and the things is.. i was! before my friend told me about how important getting her body into some idealised form was, when she’s already at a size and shape i will never possibly physically be! my bones aren’t that small, my genetics don’t give me a curve-less figure! it’s just how we are both built, but i find that hard to swallow. especially after everyone else i talk to seems to feel the same way she does. how i should want to only be doing fitness for my physical appearance. that my body and weight and look should be so undesirable that it should be obvious that i am only working out to make myself skinnier or better looking in a bikini.

i hate that i feel so sad about something i have been so excited for, but my struggle to create a body positive space for myself continues to exist of a space including only myself. i will keep going to my classes and keep telling myself that i am here for my health (mental and physical) and that the end goal of my fitness, has and always will be, for my inner self! since, at the end of the day, all i can do is block her and everyone else out. i can’t cut out a good friend for this, but i’ve thought about it. next time, i’ll take the class alone and i’ll talk to myself about it and i’ll tell myself what a good job i did and that my body is great how it is. i’m the only one i can rely to tell myself what i want to hear.