vulnerable/ no protection

I realised yesterday that no matter what

how educated or where i go to school

how old

how pretty or ugly

how strong mentally or physically

i become

i will always be a woman

and i will therefore




nothing can protect me

and i realised that i had been fooling myself into thinking that i could escape it

it felt like i’d been d e f l a t e d

like the wall i thought i was building was just blown over

nothing i was doing was ever going to protect me

i’m scared and i’m angry

but mostly i’m vulnerable

what else can i do?


relapse/ go on

look at your mental health like a drug addiction


when you finally get better, you try to do everything someone who’s better should be able to do

but then you fall

you get overwhelmed and you collapse and you’re worse than when you started

so then you try again

and the same shit happens

your brain is wired to be that way

unless you change the wiring and take is super slowly you’re gonna keep relapsing

i keep reading these yoga fitness peoples instagrams’ where they tell me to change my point of view

just think that you can do it and you will instantly feel better

i’ve been trying

repeating their mantras and trying to think deeply about them

but it hasn’t worked and its made me feel worse

“i cant go on, go on”

fuck off

i know that already

what i don’t seem to know is how to be happy

how to maintain calm

how to value my worth and give myself a break

I’ve been going on for years and I’m actively working to get better but that doesn’t mean I wont fall

To think that this phrase changed their life makes me feel like I must just be weak

How can I be weak when I’ve survived so much?

I think I need to spend less time on instagram

that bird I saw that couldn’t find a spot in the tree you know the one that inspired this little poem/ blurb 

June 6 2015

I saw a pigeon

struggle to fly into a tree

it kept trying




but it couldn’t find its footing

it would plummet in embarrassment

so it flew farther

and much harder than it thought it would ever have to

and it took the scenic route

and it flew back home

to safety

and comfort

it flew where it was wanted and loved

and the tree would still be there

when the wind settled down

and the branches were ready


May 2 2017

My psychologist said I look “Westernized”… like I know what means

Did she mean I look white? I wasn’t wearing a bindi or a saree so I must not be Indian?

And my optometrist said he could tell I wasn’t white from looking at the pigment in the back of my eyes… he said he wanted to ask my heritage and would have never guessed what I told him

He said I look “yellow like him”… I didn’t know what that meant since he was Greek.

I don’t get what it’s supposed to mean when people (adults) tell me things about myself and my race

Am I meant to be complimented when people say that “my mix is so interesting”

I don’t get it

My optometrist also said that everybody is mixed now and that none of them are really that interesting

I try to play along with these conversations but in reality its just a routine part of my day

It feels like when people ask me about my mix (aka where my parents are from), theyre really asking why am I not more white looking? Why am I not more brown looking? Why am I here? Why should they be interested in my existence on the MOST superficial and basic aspects of my existence?

Being mixed has shaped my entire view on the world (naturally) because I don’t really belong in any nice neat box to check off

So when one of the first things I get asked by strangers/ doctors/ anyone is about my racial mix, then it kinda makes you feel like shit

Like my value is in this answer and that I better make it interesting

rambling thoughts .2

everything i think is a ramble

i remember another thought

and i think i’m so smart so i have to include it

even if it doesn’t flow or connect

i guess i’m finding my voice

‘wow that’s really smart write that’

that’s what i just thought writing this

so new and cool and everyone will want to read it

then you can make content good enough so you can post the link to it on your instagram

instagram is so cool its so original

oh brother 

now this is a ramble

i can’t fucking post this

i feel like i’ve been thrown for a loop

going on social media throws me in a daze of self doubt and near hatred

what do i do with my life and when will it be worthy of a post on my instagram?

i’m trying to be original and these rambles are my notes to a future self

or as evidence of my growth when i someday become a big famous writer

stuck in a rut

how do i create

where can i create

who will come with me

create with me

journey with me

it feels discouraging to create alone

wheres my family in arts

i feel like I’m waiting for the next stage

but every period is a stage that I’m waiting to pass

when will i create

when will i live




a ramble of my thoughts .1

my experience being who i am

growing up in canada and australia

parents from finland and singapore/india

belongs to no where (not everywhere)

“ethnic” looking enough to be interesting but white enough to be pretty

high cheekbones but tan

doesn’t belong to those darker cus I’m too light

but not accepted as white

i grew up white didn’t i?

can i white pass?

is being half white make me white?

can i associate myself with those struggles of people darker when i feel them or is that not for me?

who decides that

why can’t i be the one to decide

where I’m from

what i am

whats important to my identity

“wow where are you from”

are you asking because of my accent

or my colour and look

why do you even want to know

what makes you really care

do they think about that

or is it so easy being apart of one set group that you don’t have to think about it

when your culture accepts you then you don’t have to think about it

some envy he ambiguity of my look and identity

the idiots

how ignorant and dumb

you may be bored but by god you had a choice of aninimoty

what i wouldnt give

on top of all those confusion I’m a woman too

don’t look at me and don’t sexualise me and don’t touch me and don’t think about me

i don’t need you to find me beautiful

i scared of you finding me beautiful


even if I’m ugly in your eyes I’m scared

I’m not white

or I’m not what you are

I’m not enough or strongly inside of any ideals to belong

where am i and when do i land

ill never be finn

I’m trying to learn but its hard and I’m scared and i don’t have to right accent and I’m embarrassed

ill never be sikh or singaporean

I’ve never tried

i felt the push and anger or something negative from that side a long time ago

people saying I’m trying so hard to be something

i was just dancing? i was just wearing a dress?

i didn’t know that my fathers culture wasn’t permitted for me

where do i sign up for a permit?

forget it i won’t even bother

the culture is intimately around me

yet its not for me

the language, the food, the music, the dance, the people and the land

but its not for me

what is for me

and when can i have it

and what if i don’t want it

and please stop asking me where I’m from

when do i start creating something new?

if i can’t use what i have can i make it all up

when will the internal matter more than whats from the external

when do i take ownership

no body knows

ill keep asking