The big blue one (in 3 parts)

The lighting from the streetlights shining in the windows

Looking almost professionally lit on the broken curtain rod and frost covered windows

The sound of the cat purring as she kneads ur thigh to make her cozy bed

She’ll leave in a minute anyway but you appreciate her routine

The feeling of comfort of a doona you got when you were 15

Being a room where you know the colour and history of the walls since they were put up

The sound of people slamming car doors closed and shouting from across the wide road

The sound of the trains and the feeling of thunder as they come to a crashing halt

The few cars driving by making a sound you’ve yet to be able to recreate on more populated roads

The coo coo clock chiming every 30 minutes, so you never have to wait too long when ur restless to know the time

The distinct and predictable sound of mom and dads steps as they walk to the toilet at all hours of the night

The creaks in the floor giving way to their identity that’s been diligently hidden by the nights darkness

I feel wrapped up in a warm but not encompassing hug

This is my home

This is my home

I scream it to myself in my head

Yet the feeling of home has shifted

I tear up unwittingly when I’m reminded of the gaps in the embrace

It’s so close to being home

But it’s moved

I moved and My home slowly followed

The transition was painful and long But the feeling it’s left feels sudden

The feeling of the warm sun on your back being quickly covered by a cloud

Coming back here is like slipping into a perfect bath

It’s when you know you have to leave

When the water turns cold

I know every sound and light and feeling in this place

I was raised here

I grew here

The people I love are here

But somehow it’s not home any longer

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vulnerable/ no protection

I realised yesterday that no matter what

how educated or where i go to school

how old

how pretty or ugly

how strong mentally or physically

i become

i will always be a woman

and i will therefore

      always

               be

vulnerable

nothing can protect me

and i realised that i had been fooling myself into thinking that i could escape it

it felt like i’d been d e f l a t e d

like the wall i thought i was building was just blown over

nothing i was doing was ever going to protect me

i’m scared and i’m angry

but mostly i’m vulnerable

what else can i do?

When I run 

 December 2015

When I run

I don’t run for anything

I don’t run to a location

I am running

Running from you

And any ideas of you

And from the thoughts I have

Mindless

Tortuous

Thoughts

Overthinking and insanity

I run from myself

Yet I always seem to be too slow