everything i think is a ramble
i remember another thought
and i think i’m so smart so i have to include it
even if it doesn’t flow or connect
i guess i’m finding my voice
‘wow that’s really smart write that’
that’s what i just thought writing this
so new and cool and everyone will want to read it
then you can make content good enough so you can post the link to it on your instagram
instagram is so cool its so original
now this is a ramble
i can’t fucking post this
i feel like i’ve been thrown for a loop
going on social media throws me in a daze of self doubt and near hatred
what do i do with my life and when will it be worthy of a post on my instagram?
i’m trying to be original and these rambles are my notes to a future self
or as evidence of my growth when i someday become a big famous writer
i wrote a poem when i was 12 and i was pretty proud of myself
i’m still proud of those words
so edgy and relevant
about race and war culture and the effects of how teens lose themselves in peer pressure
i read it in front of the whole grade
that’s a pretty big deal ya know
i think it was called pretty robots or something
i liked the one on race and war better but my teacher liked that one
i can’t find the poems tho
lost on a computer we chucked about 5 years ago
i guess that means i can just brag about how edgy i am and not have to prove it
or show anyone something that is probably shit
i still write poems and i still don’t show anyone
i just tell people they’re really good and deep and meaningful
but really they’re just sad and i cry whenever i read them
why am i so sad?
anyway, I’m a pretty good poet
i’ll have to show you sometime
how do i create
where can i create
who will come with me
create with me
journey with me
it feels discouraging to create alone
wheres my family in arts
i feel like I’m waiting for the next stage
but every period is a stage that I’m waiting to pass
when will i create
when will i live
my experience being who i am
growing up in canada and australia
parents from finland and singapore/india
belongs to no where (not everywhere)
“ethnic” looking enough to be interesting but white enough to be pretty
high cheekbones but tan
doesn’t belong to those darker cus I’m too light
but not accepted as white
i grew up white didn’t i?
can i white pass?
is being half white make me white?
can i associate myself with those struggles of people darker when i feel them or is that not for me?
who decides that
why can’t i be the one to decide
where I’m from
what i am
whats important to my identity
“wow where are you from”
are you asking because of my accent
or my colour and look
why do you even want to know
what makes you really care
do they think about that
or is it so easy being apart of one set group that you don’t have to think about it
when your culture accepts you then you don’t have to think about it
some envy he ambiguity of my look and identity
how ignorant and dumb
you may be bored but by god you had a choice of aninimoty
what i wouldnt give
on top of all those confusion I’m a woman too
don’t look at me and don’t sexualise me and don’t touch me and don’t think about me
i don’t need you to find me beautiful
i scared of you finding me beautiful
even if I’m ugly in your eyes I’m scared
I’m not white
or I’m not what you are
I’m not enough or strongly inside of any ideals to belong
where am i and when do i land
ill never be finn
I’m trying to learn but its hard and I’m scared and i don’t have to right accent and I’m embarrassed
ill never be sikh or singaporean
I’ve never tried
i felt the push and anger or something negative from that side a long time ago
people saying I’m trying so hard to be something
i was just dancing? i was just wearing a dress?
i didn’t know that my fathers culture wasn’t permitted for me
where do i sign up for a permit?
forget it i won’t even bother
the culture is intimately around me
yet its not for me
the language, the food, the music, the dance, the people and the land
but its not for me
what is for me
and when can i have it
and what if i don’t want it
and please stop asking me where I’m from
when do i start creating something new?
if i can’t use what i have can i make it all up
when will the internal matter more than whats from the external
when do i take ownership
no body knows
ill keep asking
i googled “how to create a safe exercise space women” and i expected a lot of other people to have blogs all about it, all about how they struggle to deal with people in their fitness classes or their friends talking exclusively about their body after class. i don’t wanna talk about that! it makes me feel sick!!! stop talking about how you need abs or a tight ass or real nice arms. i’m here for myself and for my health, not for some idea that i need to change my body in order to be happy.
i find myself sad and defeated after a class that i did really well in. i feel myself beating myself up when i go get a snack when i’m starved. i feel useless after i feel my muscles get sore and how much more work i still need to do to see any physical progress. i should be proud of myself!! i should be satisfied with my progress and motivated to move forward! and the things is.. i was! before my friend told me about how important getting her body into some idealised form was, when she’s already at a size and shape i will never possibly physically be! my bones aren’t that small, my genetics don’t give me a curve-less figure! it’s just how we are both built, but i find that hard to swallow. especially after everyone else i talk to seems to feel the same way she does. how i should want to only be doing fitness for my physical appearance. that my body and weight and look should be so undesirable that it should be obvious that i am only working out to make myself skinnier or better looking in a bikini.
i hate that i feel so sad about something i have been so excited for, but my struggle to create a body positive space for myself continues to exist of a space including only myself. i will keep going to my classes and keep telling myself that i am here for my health (mental and physical) and that the end goal of my fitness, has and always will be, for my inner self! since, at the end of the day, all i can do is block her and everyone else out. i can’t cut out a good friend for this, but i’ve thought about it. next time, i’ll take the class alone and i’ll talk to myself about it and i’ll tell myself what a good job i did and that my body is great how it is. i’m the only one i can rely to tell myself what i want to hear.
November- January 2015/16
It’s like we never even met, I’m home and you’re at your home and it’s like we never spoke or touched or looked at each other. That kinda hurts. I miss the way you would always trace things on my legs or shoulders. It made me so calm. But none of that ever happened right?
I’m still so into you. Someone wanted to kiss me today, I only thought of you. Of kissing you instead and what you would have thought of me if you knew someone else asked me and how no one is gonna kiss me like you did.
I don’t know how I’m meant to talk to you now. You aren’t my friend (right?), you’re my ex. You’re someone I thought I could fall in love with. Someone I kissed and loved and wanted to be with all the time.
My biggest mistake was telling people and thinking that we would last when it became pretty apparent pretty early that we weren’t on the same page
I hate you so much. I don’t hate you, but I hate that I ever met you. I don’t hate that either, not really, but fuck you man, fuck you so hard. Why did I ever have to meet you? I didn’t ask to, I didn’t want to. This year was such a fucking fuck up and you were the cherry on top. I’m so angry that I gave you any power in my life. Fuck you man, I thought I could love you. I thought I might love you. I wanted to love you. I trusted you so much and I lost so much confidence for you, because I figured I wouldn’t need it anymore. I wanted you and you had other plans.
I had a dream that we were kissing in my parents bedroom but you weren’t that good anymore. Maybe it was just that you didn’t want to kiss me anymore.
I dreamt about you last night. I went to help you fall asleep and I lay over you to kiss your cheek and say soothing words, but you told me no. You said “don’t”. It hurt in the dream and it’s hurt me all day. I can’t be yours anymore